I’m cheap. Not frugal, mind you, although I do try to put a positive spin on it sometimes. I am downright cheap.  I know this, my husband knows this, my family knows this, my friends know this. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean I don’t want things. I often groan about every little decision that requires us to spend money, and I whine and wish for things I can’t have. When it comes down to it, I want everything for free. A girl can dream, right?

We recently decided to remodel our kitchen, which I have been dreaming about since we moved into this house six years ago. So, very exciting, right? I have myself so wound up about everything that I can’t sleep. And it’s not like it’s not needed. The kitchen is literally falling apart and it’s really not safe. My dad even says, “You need a new kitchen, don’t beat yourself up over it.”

So, I have been trying to figure out why I am struggling with such a big purchasing decision. And I’ve come to realize it’s because I want to make a good impression, not with how beautiful or functional or new our kitchen is, however. Instead, I want to appear to be wise with my financial decisions, a good steward of the money God has lent me on this earth. I legitimately want to be conservative in my choices. But, I want to be recognized for it.

Ultimately, I realized that I judge others for the way that they spend money, especially when they do it to try to impress others. I am so not impressed. “Oohhh, look at me! Look at my cool new [insert whatever gadget, gizmo, trip or luxuriously overpriced thing they appear to be flaunting this time here]!” Of course, I have to admit what’s most likely at the heart of that issue: jealousy. Yes, the green monster lurks in many corners of my life. So, I project this feeling on myself and my husband, thinking others will judge us for the way that we spend our money.

But God has blessed us with what we have, and He wants us to have good in our lives (so long as it isn’t materialism that drives us, and, obviously, tithing should come first). We should make wise decisions, relying on God for guidance, but we shouldn’t be misers either. I know I have a lot of growing to do …

Well, there you have it, probably my worst character flaw. What do you think?