I read Psalm 13 this morning and it struck me as a verse of encouragement and prayer for anyone feeling depression or frustration over prevailing “failure:”

Psalm 13

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God;
Give light to my eyes,
or I will sleep in death;
Lest my enemy say,
“I have prevailed against him”;
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I fail.

But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD
For He has been good to me.

Understand not just the “what” in your children’s behavior, but also the “why.” Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp is by far the best book on parenting, ever. It is different from everything else out there because it is Biblically based and offers not only guidance on the shaping influences/life circumstances in your children’s lives but also their Godward orientation, or Biblical perspective on life. There’s no magic formula for having “perfect” angels who will come to know God and serve Him with their lives. This book will give you new insight, however, into how to train your child up in the way that he should go.

As parents, most of us spend an enormous amount of energy in controlling our children’s behavior. We get distracted by their behavior and forget to address the heart, which is what drives that behavior. When we focus instead on what causes that behavior–sin and selfishness and rebellion–we have the opportunity to help our kids understand the Gospel and their personal need for a savior.

That having been said, the book is very clear how to discipline corectly, consistently and with love, such that we aren’t abusing authority as in previous generations–which no longer works and is often the basis for frustrations for today’s parents. It is practical and applicable and it works.

The book calls us to exercise our authority, commanded by God, to rescue our children from their disobedience. It addresses communication, discipline and training objectives/procedures for infancy, childhood and teenagers.

I highly recommend this books for all parents, but especially parents of preschoolers and parents who are struggling with discipline or “control” of their little ones. In fact, I bought a handful of them to give out for any upcoming occassions (birthdays, baby showers, etc), and I don’t usually plan in advance like that … it’s that good.

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.” Luke 6:45

An interesting article from Dennis Prager, author of Happiness is a Serious Problem: http://www.townhall.com/columnists/DennisPrager/2008/03/11/why_are_so_many_women_depressed_part_i

I know moms who have taken antidepressents and those who haven’t. So, I don’t think there’s one right answer for everyone. The trouble is figuring out what the right decision is for you personally. For sure, I would recommend counseling first. General practioners are too quick to write out a prescription without being able to diagnose whether there is a problem and what might be the best solution. Biblical counseling (but be discerning because just because the counselor is a Christian doesn’t mean he/she is providing Christian/Biblical counseling) can get to the heart of the issue and refer you to a pschologist if a serious depression is diagnosed or if medication would help you get back on the right track. And don’t forget, it’s okay to have ups and downs. People, especially women, think they have to be “up” all the time and that is an unrealistic expectation. Pray God would satsfy you and ask Him to replace the sadness in your heart with joy.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” Psalm 90:14

I’ve recently turned a corner on the view of using a spoon to spank my child. While I didn’t really follow the argument that your hand is for loving not discipline, that is one perspective. But more what gets me thinking is the process that goes with a spanking when you use a spoon instead of your hand. If I am able to impusively use my hand, I can tell there is more emotion to the act. But when I have to get the spoon (or if you can train your child to get it for you all the better!) and “set up” the spanking, it’s almost like counting to ten. It allows me to think about the process and why I am doing it, instead of just feeling frustrated that my kid disobeyed. I’ve also  noticed that when I spank my daughter with my hand, there is no reaction from her because I am not able to hit her hard enough (mentally more than physically). I’m not totally convinced yet, but it’s something to think about.

Part of what is feeding my anger lately is a focus on the negative rather than the positive. So, my assignment this week in counseling is to write a thankful list. I keep putting it off, however, because I have a bad attitude about even that. We have a house and food and clothes … yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I know what I am supposed to feel, I just can’t seem to feel it.

But I was inspired yesterday. I was looking through some old photos of the house, looking for good outside shots of the front, back and sides for an architect Matt is meeting with tonight for our possible addition/remodel.

Wow! Have we come a long way. I can’t believe our house used to look so sad and dirty and, well, ugly. So, I was humbled in that moment and felt the presence of God’s blessing in our life. Thank you, God, for our house, a place we can call home and that has received a lot of TLC with our personal touch over the past 5 years (actually, I just realized that mid-March will mark our 5th year in the house!).

Now, on to the rest of my list:
2. Two beautiful, healthy, happy children (and they are pretty darn good kids, too).
3. A husband who loves me and his family.
4. My husband’s job that allows me to stay at home with the kids.
5. A career in writing/editing that has enabled me to work even just a little bit from home, and the opportunity to do so recently through my old employer.
6. Family, without a lot of the drama that comes with a lot of families today.
7. Friends. Friends who host monthly game nights and girls’ nights and guys’ nights and have us over for dinner and get together with me and the kids during the day …
8. Two cars, both having been reliable and especially the family car, the one I drive most, which is warm and comfortable and, so far, everything still works.
9. Our Bible study group, which prays for us and helps us to grow spiritually.
10. A faith in God and the freedom to express it, even if it gets less popular in today’s society, and a network to support an encourage me in that faith.

I think too much about what other people think. And I don’t just mean in a “Do I look fat in this?” or “Am I a good mom?” or “Is my house clean enough for guests?” kind of way, although those certainly are questions that regularly float through my brain. I don’t think it’s bad to value others’ opinions. Especially as a Christian, I think it is important to think about how you talk and act reflects God in you, and we need to be open to critique when others speak the truth to us. But, there comes a point where I don’t even know what I think about things because I try so hard to see things from everyone else’s perspective.

A close friend once surprised me by saying she can see the Holy Spirit in my eyes when she is speaking of others and she can see that it truly pains me if I think they are being spoken about in a negative way. She believes I am sensitive to others and their feelings, and is often convicted of her speech when I am around. I am surprised at first because I didn’t know that this could be true, but the more we talked about it, I realized that it made sense. But my sensitivity to others also means I care too much what they think.

We’ve been studying John Ortberg’s “Shadow Mission” in our small group. Your shadow mission is Satan’s perversion of your true mission from God. It’s the evil lurking within us that corrupts our desire to do God’s will, usually without our even realizing it. Knowing how we respond to pleasure and pain, he pulls us away from our authentic mission using our pride and our hurts. The way he describes it, the shadow mission often is an overcompensation or a projection for what we think is a weakness in ourselves or in others, because we are putting our confidence in ourselves or in others instead of on God. In my case, I value others’ opinions more than my own. As a Christian in a secular world, there’s some merit in this, but it’s just enough off God’s path that it sends me in the wrong direction, onto a path of self-centeredness.I am still trying to pinpoint it, but somewhere in all this is my shadow mission. It would help if I could first identify God’s mission for my life.

What do you think?

What pattern of weakness is particularly prevalent in your life and seems to be at odds with the expression of your gifts and achieving God’s high purpose for your life?

“… I have received wonderful gifts from God. But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. Three times I begged God to take it away. Each time He said to me, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, insults, hardships, difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Paul, in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

My flight home from AZ went pretty well, despite the fact that:

1. I’m sick.
2. Charlie is sick (at some point he threw up–I don’t even know when but suddently there was red, stinky vomit on his shirt).
3. Charlie was cranky and thrashing in my lap.
4. In doing so, he clocked me in the jaw, making it hurt to chew most of the flight!
5. The flight was scheduled during naptime.
6. The flight landed after bed time.
7. We were initially delayed 45 minutes.
8. As we about to board, we were told we’d be delayed another hour (so, we didn’t).
9. All in all, we landed 3-plus hours after our scheduled arrival.
10. I almost missed the flight because we left the terminal for 30 minutes (during an “hour” delay). This added an exciting rush, hearing my named mentioned during a final boarding call, as we flew through security and ran to our gate.
11. We barely ate any lunch and completely missed supper.
12. The kids were both hopped up on sugar, and everything was super sticky (by the time I got home, I had one precious baby wipe left!).
13. Oh, did I mention I was the only adult, with a 3 1/2-year old and a 17-month old?!?

A few things did go right: I stayed calm, cool and collected. Friends and family were praying for me (thanks, Erica!). We continually found new things to do (including running in remote corners the airport; thankfully, it’s small and not crowded). We had an extra seat so we had a row of 3 to ourselves. Charlie actually slept on the plane (and not in my lap), and he didn’t mess his diaper while on the plane. And most important: we had a continual flow of food and snacks! Finally, my husband was there to greet us when we got to the baggage claim area (with food and water, too!). We all were glad to see him.

I am really struggling with, well, discontent or maybe guilt, because of my kitchen. Even though—or maybe especially—now that it has crossed over from simple “desire” to “need” and we are actually talking the first steps to getting it done, I can’t stop focusing on how much I want it. I truly am obsessed with getting a new kitchen. I can’t think of anything else!I want to please God with my life and with my heart. But, I know that I am distracted; my heart wants a new kitchen. I am constantly thinking about it, researching it, studying it, planning it, dreaming about it … It is exciting and it does require thought and execution, but how do I know if I cross a line? How do you be content with something, while still making a change for the better? It’s been the source of my anger many times so I guess there’s some guilt about whether I “deserve” it. But that’s mighty self-centered of me to think that it’s all about me and my desire or will.

I need a reminder … again. I designed a very nice cover for our next series at church that was rejected because it wasn’t what they had in mind. So, I redid it. And it still wasn’t right. Finally, I had stripped any of my own creativity from the design so that all that was left was (what I thought was) a cliche of a logo and a plain background, and that’s what they wanted. There was nothing wrong with it, I mean, it certainly looks nice. But I was frustrated and, well, hurt. But, it’s ok. It’s not about having a finished product to be proud of–even though that would be nice–especially when you feel you’ve put yourself out there, and what you do reflects you. A wise friend once told me it’s about serving God and not myself. We need to be willing to use our gifts to serve the church, and, thus, serve God even if it’s not what I had in mind. It’s not about me and what I can get out of it–even though I know for me those can be very important too! So, as my friend encouraged me, I want to encourage you, if you’re ever in the same situation, to let it go. Don’t let the frustration be a source of bitterness for you. Give it to God, knowing you did your part. Your reward will be through Him, not earthly. With that, I can approach service differently, with a different attitude, and I hope you can, too.

I was having some girl-time with friends this weekend when one mom expressed her guilt over having said “fudge” while playing a video game with her son. He asked if it was a swear word and she sheepishly explained, “Well, no. It’s like ‘chocolate fudge’ you know.” But then he started to repeat “chocolate fudge” while playing the game, too. Oops. There was some disagreement over the situation but I couldn’t help but feel similarly convicted.

With the proliferation and acceptance of swear words in our society, I believe it is even more important that as Christians we stand our ground, especially with our kids (and admit when we are wrong, too!). We need to make every effort to allow Christ to be evident in all areas of life, including speech (which reveals the heart). Defining swear words has more to do with a society’s attitude toward the word than what the word actually means. Therefore, words like “fudge” and “frick” and “omigod” are acceptable. However, I believe there is a power unrealized when you swear or use these alternatives instead of getting to the heart of the issue.

I don’t disagree that people need an outlet for strong emotions. But that’s what it comes down to. Many studies suggest that the brain processes swearing in the lower regions, along with emotion and instinct, instead of in the “higher” brain regions in the cerebral cortex. Most swearing, I think, is an instinctive response to something painful and unexpected like hitting your thumb with a hammer. But where do we draw the line? Why “Ow, oh my goodness, that hurt!” is okay and a swear word or alternative isn’t, I am not sure, but there is a difference. Where is your heart? Are you relying on God and trusting Him in every situation? Or are you discouraged and defeated? Think about how you react to a child whose response is to cry (and, uh, not swear) when he’s been hurt. You say, “You’ll be okay. I know it hurt, but it will be better soon.” Sometimes I’ll pray aloud for God to comfort my daughter’s pain, especially when she bites her tongue, for example, while we are in the car where I can’t help her. That often helps quickly. I guess when you say “ow!” you really can be saying “Ow, that hurt. But it will get better. It could have been worse. It’s okay.” Whereas by swearing or using other words, you are saying “That was the most painful thing ever, I’ll never get through this. Why, God, why? Why did this happen to me?” Ok, a bit dramatic, but you get my point. It depends on the heart.

I had an “a-ha” moment yesterday when I realized I had finally had a real breakthrough in anger management. I have struggled this entire time about what it meant to “productively release energies of anger under control toward the problem” and not internalize (hold in) or externalize (blow up) my anger. God gave me a simple example and revealed the truth to me–days later. I am very excited!

One of my triggers is my daughter’s potty training. She was trained and has been trained but over the past several months has regressed. She cries the entire time we make her sit on the potty when we know she has to poop, and she often has accidents, mostly at night, when we aren’t forcing her to sit when we have suspicions that she has to go. My responses vary from “sigh. Whatever.” to whining and pleading to “Why? Why do you do this?” to getting very angry with her. None of which seemed to be helping the situation and probably were making it worse. Realizing I was allowing emotion to affect my reaction, I applied some guidelines from Shepherding Your Child’s Heart. Author Ted Tripp suggests a series of more productive questions, such as:

1. “What were you feeling when …”
2. “What happened that made you feel this way?”
3. “How else could you respond?” (I haven’t tried this one yet.)
4. ” How do you think your response reflected trust or lack of trust in God’s ability to provide for you?” (I also haven’t used this per se, but I turn it into a statement to address her feelings.)

You have to realize the first time I go to this part in his book and read number 1, I kind of rolled my eyes. I have never beena fan of “I feel” statements. But something clicked when I read all of them together. It made so much sense. So, one day when I knew she had to go, but before anything escalated, I got down to her level, looked her in the eyes, and asked: “How do you feel when you go poop on the potty?” She didn’t know how to respond so I prompted her with various feelings, firstpositive ones like “Is it fun?” She would say no until I asked if it was scary. She nodded her head. When I asked what was scary about it, she said something about falling in the potty (she was talking very softly). So, I explained that I understood it was a weird feeling to sit on the potty but that God wanted her to go poop on the potty, this is how He made your body and it’s good for you.

It hasn’t completely solved the problem of accidents so far, but with the few there have been, I have been able to react with love and understanding because of our intimate connection. I truly feel we are making progress, because she knows she doesn’t have to be afraid of my reaction. Instead of asking what her problem is everytime she’s whining on the potty, I can talk with her about her fears and remind her that God loves her and this is how God made her. Or something to that effect …

We had another incident just this morning where I applied the same questions. She was upset that I had gone upstairs without her, and she wanted me to come back and wait. I sat down on the stairs and asked, “How does it make you feel when I go upstairs without you?” She replied, sadly, “Sad.” Well, sure, that makes sense! So, I explained how she could  tell me, without screaming and crying, “It makes me sad when you don’t wait for me.” Then, of course, I reassured her by saying that God had chosen me to be her mom and I would never leave her, but if she’s ever sad, let me know with words. It diffused the situation right away. And as she grows older, she will be able to tell me anything, if I apply this to future encounters where I might normally have gotten emotional. Praise the Lord, I didn’t even realize it at the time, but I see now this is a perfect example of the Bible model for anger management.

I have done well the past couple of weeks managing my anger. Although life still isn’t perfect, it felt good. Then, this morning happened. My daughter was upset because she wanted me to wait for her when I came downstairs after she had an accident and had to change her clothes (also very irritating). But my son was downstairs by himself so I couldn’t leave him any longer.

She just wouldn’t let go of it and screamed and cried (she wanted to go back upstairs to recreate the situation so that I could wait for her). After repeatedly saying no and explaining why over again, while she was crying and whining no less, I just go so mad at her that she couldn’t just move on. So, finally I yelled right back at her. She continued to scream and cry of course, and I hadn’t expected it to help but I just couldn’t stand it any longer. Finally, I gave myself a time out and calmed down. Then, I hugged her and held her in my lap while I softly reminded her of my love and expressed my understanding in her disappointment. While we were both still upset, the situation was diffused and we were able to get out the door to go to the grocery store.

I was moved by the following entry in Jesus Calling, Sarah Young’s daily devotional, written from the perspective of Jesus talking to us, so I am sharing part of it with you:

I choose. I can choose to be angry or joyful. I can choose to vent my anger, internalize it or release it. But in order to be transformed from my old self to the new self, I have to put off or stop the bad habits and put on or replace the good ones. This takes some work. Following a model for Biblical change, which requires repentance of the old behavior and obedience and faith, I now have a plan for being renewed in the spirit of mind. My goal is to apply the following verses and Biblical instruction to my life:

Ephesians 4:31 and Proverbs 16:32
Replace rage with patience and control

1 Corinthians 13:5 and Proverbs 19:11
Be slow to anger instead of easily angered

Proverbs 15:1 and Ephesians 4:29
Lift others up instead of using harsh words

Proverbs 29:11 and Galatians 5:23, Proverbs 25:28
Be controlled by the Spirit rather than venting anger

1 Corinthians 10:24, 13:5, Phil 2:3 and Isaiah 55:8
Follow God’s way and not my own way

I’ll be attempting to commit each of these verses to memory by writing them on index cards that I can recite–aloud–to write them on my heart. I can carry them with me or post them around the house, knowing that anything I pray within God’s will is already promised to me. He wants me to be victorious, and I can thank and praise Him in advance for that. What an awesome God!

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2