I am sure you’ve heard someone in your life say this to you or maybe you’ve said it yourself: “Let go, and let God.” I know I have. But I struggle with what that really means. What level of action is too little or too much to affect needed change or even a life blessing? A friend was telling me about how God revealed an answer to him recently, after wrestling with its meaning for years. He described it as a three step process:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

I am not perfect: I am a hypocrite holy. I’m vainchosen, jealousaccepted, materialisticblessed, impatientblameless, judgmentaladopted,angryloved, discontentredeemed, selfishforgiven. I’m a liarpriest, I’m a thiefchild of God. I’m not perfect, but He is.

“Because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” Heb 10:14

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I am angry today. Yesterday and today for some reason I am just not in the mood. For anything. The kids are whining, I’m tired and nothing is going right. Sometimes that just the way it is. And I hate it. It’s a good reminder, in a way, though. Because this is what I used to feel like almost all the time. God did deliver me from my anger. Not that I don’t still get frustrated or overact at times, but praise God it’s not a continual irritation at every little thing. It’s hard to live like that. As I am being reminded today …

If you have a complaining spirit–you know who I am you are!–and find yourself whining and wishing or obsessing about one desire after another, YOU NEED TO READ NUMBERS 11 and 12. What a rich lesson that I’ve always just skimmed over in the past. In this part of Moses’ story, the Israelites, who have been saved from slavery remember, are complaining, not because they have NEED of anything, but because they are bored. Bored with the manna that God has provided them in the desert so they do not starve. Not only does their complaining spirit reveal a lack of faith in the circumstances God has put you in and an ungratefulness for what God has provided, but it is a form of rejecting God! In verse 20 of Numbers 11 God says the people have “rejected the LORD.” What is their punishment? They get what they ask for! Meat, more meat than they can stand. And it was to their own demise, for the meat carried a plague that killed every last one of those who desired it. Be careful what you pray for. Instead of attempting to satisfy unhealthy cravings, pray that you would desire what God wants for your life so that you don’t miss out on his wonderful blessings, like the promised land.

“The LORD heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!’ Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will eat it. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days, but for a whole month—until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it—because you have rejected the LORD, who is among you.” Numbers 11:18-20

It’s my birthday. I’m 33 today. I was making plans a couple months ago to get together with my girlfriends and I actually couldn’t remember how old I was turning. 31? 32? I’m thinking it’s gotta be 32, because I know I’m not 30 now. But when I got home and asked my husband (he can always be counted on to do the math), I found out I was turning 33! EEk. I lost a year! Hard to imagine how much time has passed since I was my kids’ ages, or in school.

I have been having so much fun with facebook, catching up and reconnecting with those old school friends. I’ve also been going through old photos (for a secret scrapbooking project) and video (to finally convert VHS to DVD). So, I have been reminded of many memories from my high school and college days. So much fun as I think about silly songs that I made up about umbrellas on rainy days or crazy things that I did with friends, like strap sleds to cars or “borrow” food service trays to sled down hills.

There’s been a lot of embarrassing and painful memories, too, though, which I find it hard not to dwell on. My passionate personality tends to dramatize the past, and the teenage years were so full of emotion and hormones. I was selfish and immature, to be sure. Thankfully, God protected me from a lot so I don’t have major regrets, but a lot of little ones I guess. I am so embarrassed when I think about things that I said or did (and I’m not talking about poorly executed cartwheels and silly faces in the camera, although I find that I did a lot of that, and I do mean A LOT) around others or how I treated them. I was so unsure of myself and concerned with how people saw me–ironic, I know!–that I didn’t think about anyone else. If I could go back and do things differently, I would hope that I’d see people through God’s eyes. I would have more confidence, at least, which I think would allow me to be a better friend. And to not expect so much from others. I know I was hurt by my own expectations, wanting to control of those around me. But, that’s all in the past.

I pray that God would help me forgive others and that others would forgive me for mistakes I made. And then, let. it. go. You cannot change the past, and the Devil would love to have you focused on what can’t be changed. God wants me to focus on what can be changed, the future.

I see more of myself in my daughter all the time, and it makes my flaws stand out all the more. Avery has such a hard time moving on when she’s not in control or making mistakes. And I know that’s exactly how I am. It’s good, though not pretty, to get a fresh perspective of yourself from time to time. May God use that to prune me and make me more like Him so that I can be a better person in the present and the future.

“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

So, with the help of a friend who owns a truck, we acquired a twin-size mattress, frame and headboard from a couple that is downsizing. We gave the mattresses to Charlie, and Avery got the frame and headboard so she can finally be off the floor. They were both ECSTATIC. Charlie loves the new cars and trucks sheets we got him, and Avery was having a blast putting her babies in the shelves of the headboard.

All this required a lot of moving around because, well, it just did. Both kids were switching sides of the room. Anyway, I did all this while Matt was at an Indy car race (with pit passes, cool!) in Joliet. The room was a total disaster with books from the bookshelf–which had to be moved to make space–in the middle of the room, the two twin beds, plus Charlie’s toddler bed strewn about. I was getting frustrated so I thew my hands in the air and declared, “I give up!” and took the kids downstairs. While the kids were playing, I snuck back upstairs to try to work it out again. I ended up putting the toddler bed in the hallway, still in one piece, and went to work on getting the bed frame and headboard assembled and piecing the room back together. I thought I might have an easier time if Avery wasn’t hovering over me with her arms crossed: “I’m wai-aiting!” and Charlie wasn’t pulling out every toy that had more than 10 pieces. I was right.

So, when I finishing up more than an hour later, Avery came to her room (and Matt had been home like 5 minutes). She exclaimed, “Daddy got it together! Yay!” So, I corrected her. She said, “Then who helped you? But who?” Sigh. I had to explain that after a break, I was able to go back and do it. I was just getting frustrated. If only that would be what she remembers and not that I gave up! I’ll have to be a little less dramatic next time. A little.

Anyway, she was full of pure joy having her new bed. She was literally dancing (not jumping, of course!) for about 5 minutes on the bed when it was all done. She was quite organized with her babies, too. I think this girl would faint of happiness if I ever took her to the Container Store!

[Edited 9/9 to add: Avery said this morning in a sing-song voice: "I love my new bed! Because Charlie can't mess up my babies when I have a high bed!"]

Our pastor this week talked about the CHAT method of prayer: Confession, Honor, Ask, Thanks. The lack of consistency in the use of the acronym aside, I was convicted of my lack of confession in prayer recently. I am good at asking, for all things big and small, but I tend to throw in a little confession, honor and thanks here and there. Instead, I’m trying out this method with confession first and it can be really powerful! It’s amazing how much the confession and request can go hand in hand.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

Ok. I get it. I think I have finally exhausted myself to complete brokeness by obsessing over every detail of our kitchen remodel/addition. I finally get it. If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. I need to let God take care of all the details and just stop worrying about it. Total surrender. I feel like I have said this before, maybe a “fake it until you make it kind of thing.” But something totally clicked yesterday and I feel this burden lifted off my shoulders. Why would I try to carry something like this by myself? Nothing up to this point has worked out in our favor, or so it seems. And I am so frustrated because it seemed so “unfair.” But, what’s fair? We don’t deserve anything. We have no right to anything. If you are a Christian, you and all you have, including your “rights,” belong to God.

I haven’t been blogging about the house much lately because I didn’t want it to come across as whining. I knew it then and I know it now: it’s meaningless! It’s a house. We have a place to call home. We have all that we need to function as a family. Don’t waste your life whining and wishing! Focus on God’s will and purpose and promises for your life instead … And worship! There are more important things to contend with when you look at life through a spiritual lens. Life is too short not to.

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.” James 4:1-7

“The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it.” Psalm 24:1

Three of the past four days, my daughter has thrown the biggest fits I have ever imagined. I’ve always known she was emotional and passionate, but she has just begun to show her true “color.” I’ll give just one example.We were leaving the mall yesterday just before lunch time and she was whining about one thing after another. She didn’t want to leave. She wanted to be held. She wanted to ride in the stroller. She wanted me to push but nobody else. Push with two hands, not one. Finally, we made it to the door. Now she wants her mittens, but they are in the car. She doesn’t believe me, so she whines and pouts her way through the parking lot. I find her mittens but now I don’t give them to her because she hasn’t asked nicely for them. That really set her off. So, now she’s screaming and thrashing her body so it takes a while for me to buckle her in her car seat. She screamed and kicked the entire way home, not so much about the mittens now but just trying to get my attention. “Mom-mmy! Can you hear me? Mom-mmy! Look at meeeeee when I say to you!” As she’s kicking the seat, she loses a flip flop. Now that’s her number-one demand: “Get my shoe for me! Now! Mom, get it!” Ha. Like that’s happening. I tried to reach it so I could put it in the front seat to show my lack of cooperation, but couldn’t. So, eventually, I took the shoe off her other foot.

After some time passed, she seemed to calm down and she asked politely for the shoe. I handed her the one I had removed. Clearly, not the way to go. She threw it at me! I was so shocked, I couldn’t believe it. In retrospect, I should have pulled over right then and there to spank her, but I wasn’t in a place that made that easy. So, I yelled something motherly like “How dare you throw a shoe at your mom?” Adding a loud, emphatic “grrrrr” to emphasize my displeasure. We drove the rest of the way home with me fuming and her screaming. At some point, I threw the remains of my Ice Mountain water at her. Good or bad, I am not sure, but it’s about the only thing she remembers from the car ride (other than the fact that she wanted her mittens and “I threw a fit”). When we got home, I put her straight to her room. She came downstairs 20 minutes or so later for lunch after she calmed down. She had screamed so hard that she broke capillaries in her face.

She didn’t nap that afternoon, which is happening more and more all the time. So, when she wanted to come down early, I put her down in my bed and laid beside her so we could talk about what happened. I cannot stress enough the importance of talking with your kids about their (or your!) breakdowns. I’m always amazed how smart she is when it comes to talking about what happened and what she could have done differently. And I know I didn’t handle the situation perfectly, but it’s always a victory if I don’t beat her senseless. Honestly, there was so much more that I wanted to say (um, scream, actually) that I can know that God had laid the foundation for that very moment. All of the testing and counseling and reading and praying was in preparation for such a time as this.

Unfortunately, who knows how long she will keep it up, so I’ll be praying that He’ll give me the strength to persevere (as much as I want to give up sometimes!).

“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:36

I read Psalm 13 this morning and it struck me as a verse of encouragement and prayer for anyone feeling depression or frustration over prevailing “failure:”

Psalm 13

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God;
Give light to my eyes,
or I will sleep in death;
Lest my enemy say,
“I have prevailed against him”;
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I fail.

But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD
For He has been good to me.

Understand not just the “what” in your children’s behavior, but also the “why.” Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp is by far the best book on parenting, ever. It is different from everything else out there because it is Biblically based and offers not only guidance on the shaping influences/life circumstances in your children’s lives but also their Godward orientation, or Biblical perspective on life. There’s no magic formula for having “perfect” angels who will come to know God and serve Him with their lives. This book will give you new insight, however, into how to train your child up in the way that he should go.

As parents, most of us spend an enormous amount of energy in controlling our children’s behavior. We get distracted by their behavior and forget to address the heart, which is what drives that behavior. When we focus instead on what causes that behavior–sin and selfishness and rebellion–we have the opportunity to help our kids understand the Gospel and their personal need for a savior.

That having been said, the book is very clear how to discipline corectly, consistently and with love, such that we aren’t abusing authority as in previous generations–which no longer works and is often the basis for frustrations for today’s parents. It is practical and applicable and it works.

The book calls us to exercise our authority, commanded by God, to rescue our children from their disobedience. It addresses communication, discipline and training objectives/procedures for infancy, childhood and teenagers.

I highly recommend this books for all parents, but especially parents of preschoolers and parents who are struggling with discipline or “control” of their little ones. In fact, I bought a handful of them to give out for any upcoming occassions (birthdays, baby showers, etc), and I don’t usually plan in advance like that … it’s that good.

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.” Luke 6:45

An interesting article from Dennis Prager, author of Happiness is a Serious Problem: http://www.townhall.com/columnists/DennisPrager/2008/03/11/why_are_so_many_women_depressed_part_i

I know moms who have taken antidepressents and those who haven’t. So, I don’t think there’s one right answer for everyone. The trouble is figuring out what the right decision is for you personally. For sure, I would recommend counseling first. General practioners are too quick to write out a prescription without being able to diagnose whether there is a problem and what might be the best solution. Biblical counseling (but be discerning because just because the counselor is a Christian doesn’t mean he/she is providing Christian/Biblical counseling) can get to the heart of the issue and refer you to a pschologist if a serious depression is diagnosed or if medication would help you get back on the right track. And don’t forget, it’s okay to have ups and downs. People, especially women, think they have to be “up” all the time and that is an unrealistic expectation. Pray God would satsfy you and ask Him to replace the sadness in your heart with joy.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” Psalm 90:14

I’ve recently turned a corner on the view of using a spoon to spank my child. While I didn’t really follow the argument that your hand is for loving not discipline, that is one perspective. But more what gets me thinking is the process that goes with a spanking when you use a spoon instead of your hand. If I am able to impusively use my hand, I can tell there is more emotion to the act. But when I have to get the spoon (or if you can train your child to get it for you all the better!) and “set up” the spanking, it’s almost like counting to ten. It allows me to think about the process and why I am doing it, instead of just feeling frustrated that my kid disobeyed. I’ve also  noticed that when I spank my daughter with my hand, there is no reaction from her because I am not able to hit her hard enough (mentally more than physically). I’m not totally convinced yet, but it’s something to think about.

Part of what is feeding my anger lately is a focus on the negative rather than the positive. So, my assignment this week in counseling is to write a thankful list. I keep putting it off, however, because I have a bad attitude about even that. We have a house and food and clothes … yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I know what I am supposed to feel, I just can’t seem to feel it.

But I was inspired yesterday. I was looking through some old photos of the house, looking for good outside shots of the front, back and sides for an architect Matt is meeting with tonight for our possible addition/remodel.

Wow! Have we come a long way. I can’t believe our house used to look so sad and dirty and, well, ugly. So, I was humbled in that moment and felt the presence of God’s blessing in our life. Thank you, God, for our house, a place we can call home and that has received a lot of TLC with our personal touch over the past 5 years (actually, I just realized that mid-March will mark our 5th year in the house!).

Now, on to the rest of my list:
2. Two beautiful, healthy, happy children (and they are pretty darn good kids, too).
3. A husband who loves me and his family.
4. My husband’s job that allows me to stay at home with the kids.
5. A career in writing/editing that has enabled me to work even just a little bit from home, and the opportunity to do so recently through my old employer.
6. Family, without a lot of the drama that comes with a lot of families today.
7. Friends. Friends who host monthly game nights and girls’ nights and guys’ nights and have us over for dinner and get together with me and the kids during the day …
8. Two cars, both having been reliable and especially the family car, the one I drive most, which is warm and comfortable and, so far, everything still works.
9. Our Bible study group, which prays for us and helps us to grow spiritually.
10. A faith in God and the freedom to express it, even if it gets less popular in today’s society, and a network to support an encourage me in that faith.

I think too much about what other people think. And I don’t just mean in a “Do I look fat in this?” or “Am I a good mom?” or “Is my house clean enough for guests?” kind of way, although those certainly are questions that regularly float through my brain. I don’t think it’s bad to value others’ opinions. Especially as a Christian, I think it is important to think about how you talk and act reflects God in you, and we need to be open to critique when others speak the truth to us. But, there comes a point where I don’t even know what I think about things because I try so hard to see things from everyone else’s perspective.

A close friend once surprised me by saying she can see the Holy Spirit in my eyes when she is speaking of others and she can see that it truly pains me if I think they are being spoken about in a negative way. She believes I am sensitive to others and their feelings, and is often convicted of her speech when I am around. I am surprised at first because I didn’t know that this could be true, but the more we talked about it, I realized that it made sense. But my sensitivity to others also means I care too much what they think.

We’ve been studying John Ortberg’s “Shadow Mission” in our small group. Your shadow mission is Satan’s perversion of your true mission from God. It’s the evil lurking within us that corrupts our desire to do God’s will, usually without our even realizing it. Knowing how we respond to pleasure and pain, he pulls us away from our authentic mission using our pride and our hurts. The way he describes it, the shadow mission often is an overcompensation or a projection for what we think is a weakness in ourselves or in others, because we are putting our confidence in ourselves or in others instead of on God. In my case, I value others’ opinions more than my own. As a Christian in a secular world, there’s some merit in this, but it’s just enough off God’s path that it sends me in the wrong direction, onto a path of self-centeredness.I am still trying to pinpoint it, but somewhere in all this is my shadow mission. It would help if I could first identify God’s mission for my life.

What do you think?

What pattern of weakness is particularly prevalent in your life and seems to be at odds with the expression of your gifts and achieving God’s high purpose for your life?

“… I have received wonderful gifts from God. But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. Three times I begged God to take it away. Each time He said to me, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, insults, hardships, difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Paul, in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9