I had lunch with a former colleague today. Well, she was my boss. But I had a hard time thinking of her that way. We did not get along. I didn’t respect her and she didn’t trust me. We tried, but there was always tension. Well, she tried. I would have none of it. But I was a Christian and should have known better. My behavior was downright embarrassing. When I left the company (almost 6 years ago now!) to be home with my first born, things didn’t happen the way I had hoped (I wanted to keep working part-time) and when they didn’t, I was angry and hurt. Frankly, I blamed her. Eventually, I worked through most of that, knowing that God worked it out to keep my attention at home, where it needed to be. Clearly, I couldn’t make that decision on my own, so He made it for me. Anyway, my co-worker was laid off in August with a few others. It was truly unfortunate. But, I have to admit, I rejoiced a little bit. So, I knew I hadn’t completely healed. I ignored the feeling.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

My sweet little Charlie is outgoing. He’s happy and friendly with everyone. He often waves at strangers we come across at the store or the park, and doesn’t seem to care if they even wave back. But I have noticed he’s entered a phase of separation anxiety lately. Not sure if it’s because his big sister has “left” him in favor of school or simply his total dependence on me as a parent.

“But if anyone obeys his word, God’s love/word is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: 6Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.” 1 John 2:5-6

My how time flies! Today marks the two-year anniversary of my very first blog post! So, while I am feeling uninspired as of late, it seemed appropriate to list some of my favorites over the past two years. Considering I have 393 posts, I think I was able to narrow it down to “just a few” … But don’t be shy! Let me know if I missed one of your faves!

Wordless Wednesday
Family portrait
Like mother, like son
Little helpers
Uh, I got dirty
Little patriot
I don’ wanna Awana
Little red dress

Sigh. My poor daughter. She is so much like her dad but she has my … we’ll call it “passion for perfection.” She has been loving school and even is excited about the homework each day. Most of it involves coloring, cutting and pasting–right up her alley. But there’s been a few incidents where the work gets intense and it’s just too overwhelming for her. Early on, before I had a handle on how to encourage her “inventive spelling” (I mean, I am a writer afterall). With every letter, she’d ask “Is that right?” I would respond more along the lines of “If you think so!” Wrong! She would literally say “But I don’t want to write it if it’s not right.” Oops. I should have known better. And now I do, so we’ve worked that out.

I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. I hope my understanding of her behavior can help me to encourage her and not make it worse. Only time will tell!

I realized the other night that part of why I was panicking with Avery in school is that she’s not in any kind of organized Bible class. When she was 3, she did AWANA and last year PDO (a Biblical based preschool class) and BSF. This year, with Kindergarten she isn’t able to do any of those. Of course, we do have Sunday School to inspire questions and discussions and I try to find teachable moments. But we’ve been so busy that without being intentional, I just haven’t been satisfied with the amount of time that we’ve spent on spiritual discussion.

“Yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live.” 1 Corinthians 8:6

Avery had her first day of Kindergarten today! She was so excited, big smiles the entire morning (even got up before I went to wake her at 6:45am). I held things together just fine until she waved at me through the window in the bus (at 7:30! Ugh. Whose big idea was it to have school start so early?!?!). My big girl! She has been waiting expectantly for this day for a long time, she even said so this morning. I know she’s going to love it.

Last week we went to meet her teacher and drop off supplies (she took great pleasure in putting everything away in it’s rightful place that day, lol) so we were talking about school with dad at supper that night. She said she was ready to go … “every Friday.” Matt was explaining to her that she would go to school every day, not just on Fridays, and we thought she was going to explode with excitement! “That’s so cool,” she said. I hope her enthusiasm for school sticks with her. :)

Charlie is having a harder time. He misses her so much! And it’s so quiet in the house. Although thankfully we had his birthday presents (his party was yesterday) to distract him, we only made it to 8:10 before he sadly (or whinily) said “I want to ride the bus like Avery, mama.” Then after a pause, “I miss Avery.” A half our later, he said, “Mom, I want Avery to come. She is my friend. My sister is my friend.” Awwww …. So we hugged while I cried again and we had some milk and cookies together.

Related post: First day of K, part II

At a birthday celebration for a girlfriend–a girl’s night in–we were having a discussion about how Christians tend to be known for what they are against instead of what they are for, a very memorable statement in Bob George’s book “Classic Christianity.” As Christians we do tend to shake our heads and complain and send e-mail forwards to all our friends about what’s wrong in society (sigh, there is SO much) and want to try to “fix it” with “this” ban and “that” law. (And not that’s NOT to say we shouldn’t stand up for what we believe in.) But, I think legislating morality is a distraction from helping people understand the truth, to grow spiritually. Think of it this way … What’s more eternally effective: stopping someone from having an abortion today or helping someone learn about Jesus so that they make the decision on their own that abortion is not in God’s plan ever?

The main problem is that we as Christians have become so ingrained in today’s society, that if we aren’t out there a pointing finger, we don’t appear “different.”

But we are pointing at people and problems instead of pointing to the truth in Jesus Christ.

“I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.” John 5:24

I am not perfect: I am a hypocrite holy. I’m vainchosen, jealousaccepted, materialisticblessed, impatientblameless, judgmentaladopted,angryloved, discontentredeemed, selfishforgiven. I’m a liarpriest, I’m a thiefchild of God. I’m not perfect, but He is.

“Because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” Heb 10:14

I was so blessed today with some kind words spoken about my daughter by her teacher. Today was the last day of PDO, the one-day preschool I had Avery enrolled in for the year. There was a program this morning, featuring each of the three classes where they sang a few songs and parents were got an overview of what the kids learned this year. The best, I think, was the 3-4 year old class reciting the pledge of allegiance. They were so cute! At the end of each class’ songs, the teachers said a few words about each student. I wasn’t impressed with most of what they had to say (but, of course, they aren’t my kids!) although a few shared interesting anecdotes or conversations with the student. But Avery’s teacher, Ms Thea, got choked up when it came to her turn. I was touched to hear her say: “Avery is a good listener and a helper … Now, Avery is a little on the shy side (and I hope I don’t get choked up but I already am) but when it comes to talking with God, she speaks! Avery is not shy to talk to God her Father. When it’s snack time or lunch time, she will pray. She may not say a word the rest of the day, but she will pray. She has such a heart for God. And that is so encouraging to us.” It was God’s timing because I was already fuming and rolling my eyes at Avery’s “performance” during the song and q&a. She didn’t say one word or even do a single hand motion (except at one point when the kids held hands and swayed them back and forth, the boys next to her were holding her hand and she couldn’t get out of it, lol). I was hoping she had grown since her AWANA stage fright from last year. (The good news is I took some more entertaining photos of her for future embarrassment.) But Ms Thea gave me a gentle reminder that while performing on stage might not be her thing, Avery has a tender heart. Knowing the answers in her heart will trump shouting them out on stage any day.

I was doing really well today, my second day of “watching what I eat” until I *almost* ate an entire 2.5 servings of Mini Whoppers. Eep. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that dieting takes willpower. And I just. don’t. have. it. I have made, ahem, wisER choices over the past two days, but I still have a long ways to go. I like food. I like yummy food that is bad for you. Most of the time, I eat food without even being aware that I am eating it. Part of the reason I wanted to do this “diet”–though I hesitate to call it that–is that I have recently become aware of my constant snacking. I just can’t seem to stop. Thinking about not eating food doesn’t help. So, back to square one.

I’m reminded of a motivational speaker who talked about finding success in setting goals, whether in living a healthy lifestyle or performing well in your job. Part of what he talked about can be found in the book The Power of Full Engagement: Making changes is a 3-step process: Purpose-Truth-Action.

Purpose: Creating a compelling vision fuels change. In other words, if you really want to do it, you will do it. I’m hoping to be motivated by making myself vulnerable to my friends and family by posting my desires on this blog. Not to mention my increasing desire not to grow OUT of my fat pants.

Truth: We regularly underestimate the consequences of our choices. By honestly acknowledging the foods I eat and recording them, I can see myself for what I am: an overindulger!

Action: Take action! The problem is will and discipline are far more limited resources than most people realize. Even distraction, while effective, will only work temporarily. By developing habits instead, you can acquire a pattern of behavior that occurs automatically, without thinking (sound familiar?).

In other words, replace those bad behaviors with healthy habit to close the gap between who you are and who you want to be. Got it? Good. Let’s hope I do, too.

Dilley’s M&M experiment:

Interview with Avery (4.5 years)

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?
With daddy. On a meeting. (She also drew a picture of us “on a meeting” so I think she means “date.”)

If you’ve never been befuddled by the Bible, then you aren’t really reading it. Our Bible study on Friday focused primarily on one verse, Hebrews 10:14: “… by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” So, are we holy or not?!?! This is a perfect example of how the Bible appears to contradict itself. But it doesn’t. It’s a paradox that only God can provide to help us understand Him. What our small group discussion gleaned from this verse is that spiritually, yes, we are holy. We have been made holy by His sacrifice on the cross. He died to cover our sins so that we would be made perfect in his eyes (as righteous as Jesus Christ himself!). We may not always act like it, but our identity in Christ has nothing to do with our behavior (praise God)! But physically, no. We are still of the flesh and, therefore, imperfect.

Because we are both physical and spiritual beings, both aspects must be considered, and the author makes it unmistakable by merging the two into one verse.

The best earthly way to explain came from our small group leader Krista: My son is a boy. He will someday be a man. There is nothing that needs to happen for him to become a man, God has made him such. But his flesh needs time to catch up, and he won’t be seen by the eyes of the world as a man until he starts acting like one.

We are holy, a royal priesthood, co-heirs with Jesus. There’s nothing on earth we can do to destroy that. Yet, as Christians, we need to start acting like the holy nation that we are! Accept the restoration of life God provided when he resurrected Jesus from the cross so that we can come to know God and reflect Him by becoming more like Jesus Christ in our daily lives.

“Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord … If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you … So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” 2 Corinthians 5:6,16-17

I’ve struggled my entire life with self-esteem, and I tend to put my worth in my appearance. If only I lose this weight, try this hair ‘do, wear that makeup, or buy this sweater … Just so you know, it’s never worked. At least not long-term. Even if I believed I was liked for my appearance, it wasn’t good enough. I so desperately want to be smart, creative, funny and interesting. I often put up facades with people, afraid if they really get to know me, they would find me boring.

It’s a constant struggle to balance being unique with fitting in, isn’t it? We usually think of identity as what makes us different. But the Latin origin is identitās or ident, meaning “repeat” or the same. To be able to identify something, you have to know what’s similar, to have something to compare it to. Children can’t identify an apple until they’ve seen more than one, for example.

The trouble is, we usually compare ourselves to the world. People are desperate to discover themselves, looking to anything to find their identity through appearance, family, friends, occupation, even failures and sins. But that is not what defines you. If you let it, you will be chasing something like a hamster in a wheel.

To put your identity in this world, is to rely on things that are temporal, changing from year to year or day to day, even hour to hour. Your self-worth is not in what you look like or what you do. It’s in who you are. It’s natural to look to your family, your parents, to discern who you are. We are relational beings after all, it’s how God created us. I’m a mother, wife, daughter, sister … All things that are well and good. But I am more than a physical being. I have been created in the image of God, a spiritual being.

If we can look to our birth fathers to tell us who we are, how much more can we identify with a Heavenly Father to tell us who we are spiritually? As Bob George writes in his book Classic Christianity: “There is only one way to determine your identity that cannot be shaken, one foundation that cannot be taken away from you: ‘I am a child of God.’ “

Even Jesus, “knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God” …washed the disciples feet. With full confidence in who He was in His Father, he humbled himself to the lowliest of positions in the society (even slaves weren’t to touch their masters feet). Setting the ultimate example for us, Jesus shows that we can have full confidence in who we are in Christ to accomplish His work for us on this earth.

Our Bible study leader likened it to the children’s book, Are You My Mother? about a little bird desperately searching for his mom. He realizes none of the things he comes across are anything like him, they are not the same. He is searching for his identity, who is he? When he finally finds his mom, he knows! The bird is home and his mother’s right there ready with a worm to feed him.

Once we finally look to our Heavenly Father to find our identity, we can stop looking to the world for our confidence. We can truly know that we are “home.” To top it off, we will be ready to accept whatever he has prepared for us in advance. He wants to feed you, to bless you! Don’t you just love that? He is just waiting for you, to shower you with blessings!

“You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God.” I Peter 2:9

“I don’t like you you.” Have you ever had your little one say this to you? Thankfully, my kids haven’t yet, but I get a lot of “Grrrrr” and stomping feet when things don’t go their way so I am sure those days aren’t in the too distant future. I remember once when I was about 7 months pregnant with my first baby, my niece, who was maybe 3 at the time, said “I don’t like you” to my sister. Being the emotional, hormone-crazy prego that I was, I cried. What a devastating thing to hear from your child! It was even more powerful than if she had said “hate” I think, because she seemed to really mean it. My sister, unfazed, scooped her up (mostly to remove her from the video game at Best Buy that she wanted to play) and nose-to-nose said, “Well, I like you. I love you. I decided a long time ago to love you.” I couldn’t believe it! What a perfect response. Even though she brought me to tears, she got no emotional reaction from her mom.

Well, I’m telling you this because I am throwing one of these tantrums myself right now. I am fuming in the corner with my arms crossed, saying “I don’t like you” to God. I know it’s because I am being immature and selfish, things just aren’t going my way the way that I think they should. It’s especially frustrating when you can’t see the whole picture. I want to know the whys and the hows. How is everything going to work out for the best? In my limited view of the world, my past, present and future, all I know is how and why I would like things to happen. My niece didn’t understand that the game was too advanced for her and she would get frustrated with it, and that we had other fun things to do. All she knew was that there was a fun game with characters she recognized on a computer and she wanted to play, play, play!

So, here I am, waiting, peeking ever-so-slightly out of the corner of my eye, waiting for His reassuring hug and an “I love you.”

I have been meaning to post this for a while, it’s from last Saturday I think. I had the most intense dream I’ve had in a while, and it was a weird one.

I was in a building with elevators, trying to get my dishwasher to the bottom floor. But I wasn’t the one maneuvering the dishwasher, so I was trying to communicate how and where it should go. I could not seem to clearly get across the plan. So, in the confusion, the dishwasher ended up in a different elevator than me. And, it turns, out, the car wasn’t even there! So, it went crashing down the elevator shaft. I panicked! By the time we figured out what had happened and went to retrieve it, it was gone. Someone had stolen my banged-up dishwasher! I was hysterical! I knew we couldn’t afford to buy another one, and my future dreams of a dishwasher were crushed. In the midst of my tears, still dreaming, I kept thinking: This can’t be real. This can’t be real. Then I started to focus on one detail. Who was it who was bumbling my dishwasher from the very beginning? None other than: Curious George, the monkey! Chattering away with a sad, confused look the entire time. Oooohh-ah-ha-ha. Hoa?

When I remembered this dream the next day and went through all the details, I thought it was hilarious. Have you been dreaming of Curious George lately?