I made the realization some time ago that my anger and frustration as a mom stems primarily from my attempt to be in control—or the belief that I have to be in control—and feeling that I’m losing it. I’m a perfectionist, so I self-impose deadlines and standards that I can’t possibly meet. When I just let go, there is so much less stress. But that is so much easier said than done.My homework for this week for anger management is to assess at whom or what my anger is most frequently directed. Fortunately for most people around me, I am the primary target. But people who aren’t cooperating with my perfectionist standards are collateral at times. This includes my kids and even God. Why is it always those we love the most have to endure the worst treatment?
What I need to remember is that God is in control! But also that He loves me. He wants good things for me. He wants to bless me! His plan is perfect, and He will unfold his plan no matter what evil conspires. And it doesn’t matter what I do or whether I’m a “good” or “righteous” mom. Isn’t it comforting to know that He who created all is in control of you—and your kids? But while I understand that with my head, I can’t seem to accept that in my heart. I pray God would give me faith to believe even what I cannot comprehend.
It’s fear that gets in the way. I’m afraid, but I’m not sure what of … failure I guess. Failure as a wife. Failure as a mom. Failing God. Ultimately, what needs to change is my definition of failure. I seem to think that lack of perfectionism = failure. But I’ve just begun to realize that’s not true! What a relief. And even though I may fail at times—many, many times—God will never fail.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8