I did not feel like a Saint yesterday. It was an all-around bad day. I knew from the get go it was going to be one of those days … I am not sure how much of that was self-fulfilling prophecy but I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Part of my stress comes from Avery starting 1st grade soon (less than two weeks)! It feels like the “beginning of the end.” My personality tends to focus on all the negative in my past 6 years of parenting instead of any positive. And as silly as it is, I forget that I still have plenty of time to connect with her. Anyway, the kids are feeling cooped up in the house and are spending waaaay too much time together apparently. They are getting on each others’ nerves, which means they are getting on my nerves … and yesterday I did not handle it well.
The oppressive humidity also makes it difficult for me to start off the day in a positive way. And I didn’t go running (I thought it was storming. It was wet but not raining, so I must have heard a garbage truck or something. It didn’t take much for me to come up with an excuse to stay in bed. lol)
Anyway, yesterday was a swearing kind of a day. I do not like swearing. I hate when movies are filled with it, and I cringe when others curse. And, admittedly, I often judge people based on their language. So, I am ashamed to admit that it is a weakness of mine. When I am already having a bad day and then I punch myself in the face and clamp my teeth on my tongue (and I have been working out so it was a solid hit ;) which I did yesterday, I am bound to say something I regret. If you must know how one can punch herself in the face, you can re-enact the moment on a humid day, with heavy paper grocery sacks in the trunk of a car. Using one hand (while the other is holding another bag on your hip), grab the top of the bag, and it will likely break and the force will drive your fist into your face. Doesn’t sound so implausible now, does it?
Anyway, it’s hypocritical of me, I know. I’m learning that I am hardest on myself on things that I most judge others for. Jesus talks a lot about this. Maybe I do it to draw attention away from me, I am not sure. But it makes it really hard for me to share with anyone. I am too embarrassed. When I did anger management counseling a while ago, I never even admitted this weakness to my counselor. Not so much because of what she would think of me but because saying it makes it more true in some way. But I can’t hide from God. He knows. To be clear, I don’t even think it matters what words you use. Sin is a condition of the heart. And if my heart is transformed, my speech should reflect the new nature God has created within me.
“The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person.” James 3:6