I was in a parking garage, all alone. I couldn’t see. Not because it was dark but it was like my eyes wouldn’t open all the way. Everything was blurry and I could only see bits and pieces clearly. If I strained my head upward, I could see lights in the ceiling, but I couldn’t put enough pieces together to make my way around. I was trying to back up slowly into a wall so I could relax for a minute and wait for the moment to pass. It would pass, right? I was starting to panic. I was stumbling, dizzy now. Why can’t I even walk right just because I can’t see? I kept trying to tell myself to relax but I couldn’t, so anxious. I heard footsteps and my heart gripped with fear. How easy would it be for someone to attack when I am blind? I started to crawl on my hands and knees, hoping to find something to defend myself with. Nothing. So, I stood up and tried with all my might to act normal. Pull yourself together!! But I couldn’t. I couldn’t see and it was so frustrating. What is happening to me?!? I felt suddenly so alone. I was trying to remember where I was and why I was even there. Where is everyone? My friends were just there, we were packing up for a camping trip, not just any trip but a winter camping adventure, something very dangerous and rugged but fun. (Yes, Jen, you were there. Although I don’t think you understood the nature of the trip, I saw you had packed puzzles and swim goggles for the kids.) But suddenly everyone was gone …
… And then I woke up, still feeling groggy and not completely in real life. The past few days my life has been filled with anxiety and fear so it’s no surprise that it showed up in my dream. I have been lost in my perception of reality (which isn’t) instead of His reality—the truth. When I lose focus and dwell on my fears of being alone or simply not knowing what the future holds, it’s easy to be filled with anxiety.
Being blind is scary. “Not knowing” the future can be debilitating. But I don’t know the future. I can’t see the whole picture. I don’t know what God has planned for me and my life. But I can trust Him. I can face the future with confidence and courage because the God of universe who loves me is in control.
But in order to trust God, I have to know Him. When I see clearly who He is, who He says He is and what He says He can do (can I get an amen Beth Moore sisters?), I will trust Him. Not that I will know every detail or because I can control what happens, but because I can see Him. Even when trouble comes into my life and there are questions and doubts about God’s power and character of compassion, He always has complete authority and He always acts for the good of those tho trust Him. Today and for the future.
[Edited to add: We sang a hymn at BSF that fit this post perfectly. I may not know the future but I know in whom I believe. Verse 4 of I Know Whom I Have Believed: “I know not when my Lord may come, at night or noon-day fair. Nor if I’ll walk the vale with Him or meet Him in the air. But I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I’ve committed unto Him against that day.”]
It doesn’t matter how tiny a flame my faith is, God is there. He can fan my weak faith into a blazing fire. And the more I depend on Him, the clearer I will see Him. He will give me a new perspective and guide me in the darkness.
“And I will lead the blind
in a way that they do not know,
in paths that they have not known
I will guide them.
I will turn the darkness before them into light,
the rough places into level ground.
These are the things I do,
and I do not forsake them.”